What on earth am I doing for heavens sake?

I grew up at the foot of the Canadian Rocky Mountains. I spent every season camping, hiking, skiing, acting as a horse guide for week long forays into the mountains, paddling and climbing. I saw beauty, saw bears stroll through the bush and cougars sneak through a meadow as the sun was rising. I heard woodpeckers knocking on my teepee poles at sunrise – I had made life decisions by watching which way a raven flew. The mountains, and by extension, oceans, lakes, hills and skyscapes were the basis for my whole life, my whole existence.

Before working for the Central Rockies Wolf Project, I had spent my life traveling the world as a climber, a photojournalist and a small business entrepreneur. I had pulled myself away from traveling for just one year in 1998 in order to get a Photojournalism diploma from the Western Academy of Photography in the beautiful city of Victoria, BC. The idea was that I could travel, write, climb and still make money – every idealistic hippy’s dream. And I was, indeed, a hippy – and always - idealistic.

In my year at photojournalism school, all of my classmates seemed to have some big issue that they struggled with or that got them down. Teen pregnancy, heroin addiction, lost loved ones. Or they had big issues that they would argue passionately for. Veganism, socialism, feminism. I didn’t have any isms. When it came to my BIG issues, my secret demons that threatened to drown out my life, I came up blank. Was this a sign of a selfish person? A spoiled person? A lucky person? A strong person? Was I missing something important that made me less of a person? It made me think.

My mission in life up until late 1999 was, honestly, seeking Beauty, Love and Delight. In living and traveling to far flung places in Africa, Asia, Europe and closer to home, I found the beauty I was looking for in natural landscapes, in both the joy and sorrow of people around me, and within myself. I found beauty, to my surprise, in the concrete jungles of European or Asian mega cities as much as at Angkor Wat. I wrote stories, I climbed some of the most beautiful mountains, frozen waterfalls and cliff sides in the world; getting access to places few people will see, and I tried a few business ideas out.

In 2000, I came home to Canmore, Alberta – almost dead broke and prepared for a year I hoped would lead to more beauty and certainly more delight. In the Fall, I applied to a small ad for a job as Marketing Director for the Central Rockies Wolf Project. Marketing background? No. But a healthy amount of confidence and a writing background. I phoned and emailed the Wolf Project once a week until the end of February, when, as my boss said, it would be easier to hire me then have to hear my messages again and again. In the time between October, when I applied for the job, and February, when I finally broke them down, I had a lot of time to climb – so a lot of time to think.

I thought a lot about where I was in my life, what I wanted, what ‘giving back’ meant to me. All my life my mother’s favorite subject was giving back - I grew up playing under kitchen tables listening to the Junior Leaguers of Calgary roll through meetings and projects. When I was older and I was home for a visit, we talked about health care, international volunteerism and what volunteerism, international aid and non profit mentality meant in places like Mauritius and Japan.

Give back. Two words that when put together, encompass and are even bigger and hold more depth than Beauty, Love and Delight. – A whole new world was opening as I climbed through the last of 1999.

Through applying to work for the Wolf Project, I solved something that was a thorn in my side. I was going through a healthy period of doubt... I wasn’t sure if I was doing it right, if I was living life to the fullest possible. I wasn’t sure anymore that to love, see beauty and love my life was enough. By working to help conserve a species that was so important to the whole ecosystem in the Rockies, I would be giving back to the place that had nourished me, matured me and brought me so much Beauty, Love and Delight. With this idyllic mind set, I marched off into my new job as marketing director for the Central Rockies Wolf Project.

Now I am at the opposite end of where I was, pre 2000. I have given my life over to policies and procedures, the monotony of going through days up on days of years of work and school, of staying in one place.

I meander out into the bush and still feel the presence of the silence, the tiny creaks of trees and the cawing of Ravens. Where there was once a meditative peace, there is now a brain full of questions, of theories, of conversation, of doubt.

The concepts that were once so important to me, Beauty, Love and Delight, seem a bit embarrassing, though they were so formative to who I am now that I can’t just swat them away as the musings of a naïve hippy girl. They are the basis for every move I make now. Give Back – the words that have taken their place, are so deep that I will spend a lifetime trying to understand what they mean to me. They have propelled me into a world – business – where no one (especially me!!) would have ever guessed I would be.

There is balance between the two places - hippy and business consultant, I just have to spend the time to work on finding it. I love it.